i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
