this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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