you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
