why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
