I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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