YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
