i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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