I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
