Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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