Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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