Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
how does that bad decision feel?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
