Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
