i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
