i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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