I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize