Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
