You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
