Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
