I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
