Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
