you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We need to get me chipped asap
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
