you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
