I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize