just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
