My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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