It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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