yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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