When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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