Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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