if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
