Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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