So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
