Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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