Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
