Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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