Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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