Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
