dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I got inside last night via doggy door
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
