you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
