My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I smell like Dick and happiness
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
