shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
