I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
