His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
