i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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