My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
