like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My liver just had a heart attack.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
