i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize