I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
