I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
did i walk over a car last night?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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