I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
