oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
