I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You can't just leave with hair like that
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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