My Higher Power is John Stamos
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
