In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
