go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
