haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
