im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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