I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
