Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
