Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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