I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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