no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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