This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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