His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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