just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
3 2 1 whiskey
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
