Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
